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But from dating men I've seen what equality really means in a relationship: If you're better at cooking, you do most of the cooking.

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If they're better at picking places to eat, they pick the places to eat. If you're both bad at cleaning - hire a cleaner. After dating a guy for two and a half years, going back out on the dating scene was an adjustment when it came to how to treat women. I was so used to things being equal, but despite what they tell you, society still isn't entirely ready for that when it comes to men and women.

Often, women I dated expected me to pay the first time we went out. I'd be bankrupt in a week. There is also this issue of being a 'protector' when you're the man in a straight relationship. In my view I signed on to be a boyfriend not a bodyguard, and I don't think it's my place to go calling out and punching people in my girlfriend's life that I'm not happy with.

It's her life, I've really no right to get involved in issues that don't concern me unless she asks for my help. Some guys disagree and think their girlfriend is their property to defend. Being bisexual creates some unique dynamics outside of dating. For example: Hell no, they're all awful. Just because I've got the capacity to be attracted to both men and women doesn't mean I'm attracted to every man and woman on the planet.

My mates are my mates, I like them for their banter, drinking abilities and how much we rip the piss out of each other. I've no need to date them and let's be honest I'm way out of all their leagues.

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When it comes to straight men I'm a realist, they aren't interested and I already have women, bi and gay men to choose from that's more than enough. And when you meet a gal you like, treat her the way you'd like to be treated: Gender roles are less rigid than you've been led to believe. Femmes can be tops, butches can be bottoms, and everyone can be a switch. There are, it should be noted, some dykes who just aren't flexible about these positions. If, for instance, both you and your partner are pure bottoms, you're going to have some things to work out.

It's simple arithmetic: Two bottoms don't make a top, and two tops don't make a bottom. To find out if you are positionally compatible with your partner, you could just start to mess around and see what happens, but then you risk entering a situation where you're both lying there waiting for the other person to climb on. To alleviate this pressure, take a page out of the gay men's playbook and just ask.

They literally list their preferences on their Grindr profiles. We should all do a little more of that. Lesbian porn is helpful. This is the best way to figure out what exactly is on the menu. Just make sure the porn you seek out is actually made for women, by women.

Celebrate this Valentine's Day by becoming a lesbian.

The last thing you need are misleading tips from the now-banished dudes who direct most pornos. Carolyn Yates, the resident sexpert at the gay lady website Autostraddle, recommends the CrashPad series, a queer porn classic. Listen to Carolyn Yates. More importantly, it can help you figure out what you might be into, too. Listen to what your partner likes and figure out where those things line up. Everyone is different, so what works in porn might not work for the real live woman in your bed, and what works for her might not work for the next one, and what works for you might be something else entirely.

You can't watch someone do something in porn and later do that same thing and get that same result. Speaking of sex, oral is generally—but not always—part of the package. The idea of your tasting muscle going into someone's vagina may seem gross to you now, but you'll get over that feeling which was instilled in you by the patriarchy once you realize that A you can't gag on a vulva, B vag tastes way less disgusting than the moldy dicks you've been choking on, and C there is nothing hotter than a woman getting off.

I mean, that's why guys are so into sex. And, sure, you might think now that you just can't live without a good ol' dick digging in every once in a while, but the good news is, you don't have to go without: Lesbians have dicks, too—and we actually know how to use them to make pleasure for the woman instead of just the man.

Plus, unlike your boyfriend's dick, ours are dishwasher safe and you can boil them.

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But from the data accumulating on rape among acquaintances, little seems to have changed. One result, Dr. Muehlenhard said, is that woman who do not want to appear to be loose offer ''token protest, in which the woman says no, but means yes. In a survey of women published last year, Dr. Muehlenhard found that more than a third had, at least once, put up such token resistance when they actually wanted to have sex. Women who believed their dates hold to the double standard were most likely to use the tactic of a false protest, presumably not to seem ''loose.

The trouble is, Dr. Muehlenhard says, that men tend to see all such protests as token resistance, a no that really means yes. Indeed, she says, the scenario where a forceful man continues a sexual advance despite a woman's protests, until she melts in compliance, is commonly depicted in films and books. View all New York Times newsletters. Muehlenhard said. Men can easily forget that most often no means no. If a man wants to avoid rape, he should believe what a woman tells him. The double standard also creates pressures on men to force themselves on women, Dr.

Disgusted by Men? Date Women Instead.

In another study, to be published in The Journal of Sex Research, 63 percent of men said they had sex when they did not want to, Dr. Muehlenhard found. To be sure, factors other than the double standard are at work in rapes of acquaintances. Malamuth reported on a series of recent studies intended to identify attributes that make some men more likely than others to force sex on a woman. Malamuth used a combination of questionnaires about attitudes toward sex. He also observed the reactions of men to stories depicting sexual incidents. While the men read the stories, a sensor detected the degree of their sexual arousal.

The men who were most likely to become aroused by a story in which a woman was forced to have sex despite protests tended to share other attitudes. One of these was the idea that dominance itself was a motive for sex; they agreed with statements like ''I enjoy the conquest. A third, not surprisingly, is an acceptance of sexual violence.

When the Rapist Is Not a Stranger: Studies Seek New Understanding - The New York Times

For instance, they might agree with the statement, ''Sometimes the only way a man can get a cold woman turned on is to use force. Lance Shotland, a psychologist at Pennsylvania State University. Shotland and Jane Craig, a research associate, found that men tended to interpret a woman's actions on a date, even such innocuous acts as speaking in a low voice or smiling, as indicating that she was interested in sex.

Women, however, tended to see the same behaviors as simply being ''friendly. Other research has shown that men, particularly younger ones, tend to have difficulty discriminating between what women do that is merely friendly, and what indicates sexual interest. A woman drinking, coming to a man's apartment or wearing ''sexy'' clothes, for instance, all tended to be seen by men as indicators that the woman was interested in sex, while women did not agree, Dr. Muehlenhard found in a study.

In a California study, 43 percent of men of high school and college age said that by the fifth date it was ''acceptable'' for a man to force sex on a woman, and 39 percent of the men said it was acceptable if the man had ''spent a lot of money on her.